HATE!!!

People say that you shouldn’t hate…it consumes you…it makes you a bad person…yada, yada, yada, but I hate.  I HATE----my purse.  HATE IT!!!! 

When the trends started going towards a bigger and bigger purse, I was elated…I need lots of stuff to make this look good.  I mean, how can you go about your day without five different kinds of lip gloss at your disposal??…you can’t.  Anyway, I bought myself one of those big ole purses stuffing every last thing I owned into it…stop fighting Guinness; get in there!!   What I did not realize when I bought the purse was that it is a vacuumous black hole of doom…yes, DOOM!!!  I can never find ANYTHING in that thing when I need it.  I even bought one of those organizers that Oprah recommends…well Oprah was wrong, so now I hate her too…eat it Oprah!! 

Luckily my wallet is the size of the Hoover Dam, so I can usually find that, but definitely not my cell phone, gum, one of the many pharmaceuticals that I keep handy, or the exact lip gloss I am looking for.  I have had several public outbursts of, “I HATE MY PURSE” while rummaging through it.  I hate my purse so much that Al hates it too.  And do you know the worst part???  It is cute and I got it on sale…both give me intrinsic reasons to hold onto the damn thing.  Nine West, 50% off of the sale price!!!!!...and I get compliments on it all of the time…how can I give that up?!?!

I am looking, though, for a replacement, but unfortunately all of the purses out there have no pockets, no organization, and look like they would also be a vacuumous hole of doom.  The purses in the stores look at me and say, “hey lady, buy me so you can never find your stuff ever again!”  They taunt me…which leads me to more hate…ugh.

The other day I found three packs of gum in it…THREE!!!  I kept putting gum in there thinking I was out…nope, not out…just lost in the DOOM.

Let’s take a look at this monstrocity…

 

Looks pretty cute from the outside…tame even.  Let’s get a better look inside…watch your hands people, lest the doom get you!!!

 

All right people, now we see the DOOM that is the inside of my purse.  I can honestly tell you that I did not arrange anything, just set it down, took a pic, and prayed there wasn’t a feminine hygiene product showing.  Anyway…here’s what’s inside…

1)      Pen and pencil…the student/waitress in me always has several spares.  I guarantee there are 5 more in there…SOMEWHERE.

2)      Drugs…CVS ain’t got nothing on me.

3)      Lip gloss…though I think one is a concealer.

4)      Gum…who knows how many more packs are in there….3?...5?...7??

5)      BIG WALLET…told ya it was big. 

6)      Kleenex…not that I cry.  As I told Ashley and Jen in the days before I got married, “crying is NOT productive!”

7)      Compact…for helping to apply one of the 70 lip glosses.

8)      More drugs.

9)      Keys…KEYS?!?!  Now the purse is just showing off, I can never find these guys.

10)   Hand sanitizer…helllooo homeless guy on the metro.

11)   Contact rewetting drops…the key to working full time and going to school at night.

12)   Mini emery boards…heaven forbid I break a nail!!

There’s probably more in there than that…like: my badge for work (***insert “we don’t need no stinkin’ badges” joke here***), lotion, Zicam, more keys (in case I can’t find the first set--seriously), roughly 8,000 coupons (all expired), Jimmy Hoffa, the complete Mozart Requiem, and a first aid kit.  This thing really should be checkout by the FBI and NASA.

To end on a light/mostly adorable note.  The instant I pulled out my camera, Guinness came over for the photo shoot.  (He thinks it is all about him…must have learned that from his mama.)