So I told y’all about my totally lame purse and its
reputation for hiding things in the DOOM. Well, I didn’t even know the half of it. All of last week, without my knowledge, my
purse was harboring a little “treat” leftover from Al’s birthday the weekend
before. All week, going in and out of
federal buildings no less, was me, my purse, and a flask of whiskey. I am now officially a card carrying member
of white trash. O. M. G.
A whole flask!!!...for a week!!!...without me noticing?!?! Ugh.
People say that you shouldn’t hate…it consumes you…it makes
you a bad person…yada, yada, yada, but I hate.
I HATE----my purse. HATE
IT!!!!
When the trends started going towards a bigger and bigger
purse, I was elated…I need lots of stuff to make this look good. I mean, how
can you go about your day without five different kinds of lip gloss at your
disposal??…you can’t. Anyway, I bought
myself one of those big ole purses stuffing every last thing I owned into
it…stop fighting Guinness; get in there!! What I did not realize when I bought the
purse was that it is a vacuumous black hole of doom…yes, DOOM!!! I can never find ANYTHING in that thing when
I need it. I even bought one of those
organizers that Oprah recommends…well Oprah was wrong, so now I hate her
too…eat it Oprah!!
Luckily my wallet is the size of the Hoover Dam, so I can
usually find that, but definitely not my cell phone, gum, one of the many
pharmaceuticals that I keep handy, or the exact lip gloss I am looking for. I have had several public outbursts of, “I
HATE MY PURSE” while rummaging through it.
I hate my purse so much that Al hates it too. And do you know the worst part??? It is cute and I got it on sale…both give me
intrinsic reasons to hold onto the damn thing.
Nine West, 50% off of the sale price!!!!!...and I get compliments on it
all of the time…how can I give that up?!?!
I am looking, though, for a replacement, but unfortunately
all of the purses out there have no pockets, no organization, and look like
they would also be a vacuumous hole of doom.
The purses in the stores look at me and say, “hey lady, buy me so you
can never find your stuff ever again!”
They taunt me…which leads me to more hate…ugh.
The other day I found three packs of gum in it…THREE!!! I kept putting gum in there thinking I was
out…nope, not out…just lost in the DOOM.
Let’s take a look at this monstrocity…
Looks pretty cute from the outside…tame even. Let’s get a better look inside…watch your
hands people, lest the doom get you!!!
All right people, now we see the DOOM that is the inside of
my purse. I can honestly tell you that I
did not arrange anything, just set it down, took a pic, and prayed there wasn’t
a feminine hygiene product showing.
Anyway…here’s what’s inside…
1)Pen and pencil…the student/waitress in me always
has several spares. I guarantee there
are 5 more in there…SOMEWHERE.
2)Drugs…CVS ain’t got nothing on me.
3)Lip gloss…though I think one is a concealer.
4)Gum…who knows how many more packs are in there….3?...5?...7??
5)BIG WALLET…told ya it was big.
6)Kleenex…not that I cry. As I told Ashley and Jen in the days before I
got married, “crying is NOT productive!”
7)Compact…for helping to apply one of the 70 lip
glosses.
8)More drugs.
9)Keys…KEYS?!?!
Now the purse is just showing off, I can never find these guys.
10)Hand sanitizer…helllooo homeless guy on the
metro.
11)Contact rewetting drops…the key to working full
time and going to school at night.
12)Mini emery boards…heaven forbid I break a nail!!
There’s probably more in there than that…like: my badge for
work (***insert “we don’t need no stinkin’ badges” joke here***), lotion,
Zicam, more keys (in case I can’t find the first set--seriously), roughly 8,000
coupons (all expired), Jimmy Hoffa, the complete Mozart Requiem, and a first
aid kit. This thing really should be
checkout by the FBI and NASA.
To end on a light/mostly adorable note. The instant I pulled out my camera, Guinness
came over for the photo shoot. (He
thinks it is all about him…must have learned that from his mama.)
