A lot of people hate the dentist, but I’ve never really had
a problem. I’ve always had good teeth
(thanks Dad), never had a cavity, and when you’re little, they give you a
prize…score!! Then I moved to DC. The actual dentist that we go to is fine…the
teeth cleaning lady apparently wants to remove all of the gum tissue in my
mouth. She takes out more and more every
time I go. I have super clean
teeth…brush at least three times a day and floss every day…so I really don’t understand
what she is attempting to remove besides chunks of gum tissue that I spit out
continuously throughout the cleaning. They
tricked me the first time I went by having the dentist do the cleaning…”to get
to know his new patients”…ugh. Really it
is just a scam to get you to sign up for another appointment in 6 months…then you
are stuck with the gum Nazi--forever!!!
So I get there, and she starts making small talk about
buying patio furniture. I don’t mind the
talking so much as the asking questions.
She spent a solid 5 minutes asking me questions…here’s a hint, when I’m
talking, you can’t be cleaning my teeth, and that means I have to spend even
more time here. This is actually one
time where I don’t want to talk…the faster you get done lady, the faster I can
leave. I have important things to do
like procrastinating school work and spending time not cleaning my apartment.
Then she says that I haven’t had x-rays in two years and
should get a “full set” every 5-7 years.
I say “yes” thinking that it would be faster to take a couple of x-rays
than to try to explain that I’ve never had teeth problems and don’t think it is
necessary. Usually they just take a
couple of shots in the room…not this time.
She has me walk to a back room, and there is this little woman waiting
for me. Apparently they were going to do
18 different x-rays…18?!?! Do I even
have that many teeth?? I try to get out
of it, but she’s all, “I can get the doctor to talk it over with you”…but I realize
that that will just take more time, and I will end up being conned into the
x-rays anyway. (I’ve noticed that since
the economy is down and doctors are seeing fewer patients, they are insisting
that the patients that do show up go through unnecessary tests.) I sit through the 18 freaking x-rays where
they attempt to put film the size of a road sign in your mouth…”open
wider!”…”relax your cheek!”…how about you make film that fits inside a human’s
mouth and not something that has the surface area of Texas?? Near the end she is all…”only a few more
left”…”I hope you’re not mad at me”…”I hope we can still be friends”…all in
this cutsie little voice. Let’s get this
straight lady…you nor the gum Nazi are my friends. (I’m currently working on inventing a way to
publically “de-friend” people who you don’t even know…not even on Facebook.)
As soon as the x-rays were done and I got the approval from
the dentist, I got the hell out of there.
Luckily the receptionist was looking for a file and didn’t see me leave,
so I wasn’t coerced into scheduling another appointment in 6 months. I’ll have to screen my phone calls for the
next two weeks (so if you are calling me from a VA area code, make sure to
leave a message…because I won’t be picking up any 703 numbers until this thing
blows over).
So I drive home with my bleeding, sore mouth and a pissed
off attitude (definitely to 11). My nose
has been running lately because VA in April is like walking through a sand
storm of pollen. I don’t even have
official allergies, and it even gets to me.
People with real allergies turn into red, scratchy, snot
buckets…Virginia is for Lovers—just not during seasonal allergies! So I grab the neti pot to flush out some of
the nasty. The first side goes
smoothly…then I go for the other side. I
don’t know if a chunk of the neti pot salt didn’t dissolve or if there was a
chunk of old salt in there already or if God just really hated my facial region
that day, but a chunk of salt went through the neti pot, into my sinuses,
swirled around a bit, then out the nose, burning all of the way and dripping
nasty salt snot onto the back of my tongue…O. M. G.!!! The inside of my face was ON FIRE!!!! After the crying on the bathroom floor was
mostly over (I may or may not be writing this from the bathroom floor), I was
able to clean out my sinuses with fresh water.
Let’s just say I will never use the neti pot salt again…it is evil…almost
as bad as the gum and x-ray Nazis at the dentist.
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